“DO I NEED TO ASK MY MOM FOR PERMISSION TO HIRE YOU?”

MOMS ARE THE WORLD’S GREATEST GIFT. HOWEVER, UNLESS YOUR MOM IS YOUR CHIEF CREATIVE DIRECTOR, NO PERMISSION SHOULD EVER BE REQUIRED TO HIRE ME.

“WHAT WOULD BE YOUR PLAN IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE?”

THAT’S EASY. I’D LET ONE BITE ME SO I COULD JOIN THEM AND DESTROY THEM FROM THE INSIDE. SORT OF LIKE A DOUBLE AGENT, SUCH AS JAMES BOND.

“DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH “GARCÍA MILLÁN”, SPAIN’S MOST FAMOUS BRAND OF GAZPACHO?”

I GET THIS A LOT. UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN’T NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY ANY RUMOURS REGARDING MY INVOLVEMENT IN THIS ENTREPRISE.

“DO YOU COME WITH AN INSTRUCTIONS MANUAL?”

I DON’T, BUT DON’T WORRY. THERE’S NO NEED FOR ONE. I COME FULLY ASSEMBLED RIGHT OUT OF THE BOX.

“WHAT IF I CANNOT PRONOUNCE YOUR NAME, DO I HAVE TO LEARN HOW TO?”

IT’S OKAY. YOU DON’T NEED TO. YOU CAN JUST POINT AT ME WITH A FINGER AND SCREAM “HEY, DUDE!”. MORE PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY TURN THEIR HEADS, BUT YOU’LL GET MY ATTENTION.

“HOW CAN I PAY YOU? DO YOU TAKE CRYPTO OR ANY OTHER MADE-UP CURRENCY?”

MY BANK CURRENTLY DOESN’T ACCEPT ANYTHING ELSE BUT REAL MONEY. I HAVE DEEPLY DISCUSSED OTHER MADE-UP PAYMENT METHODS POSSIBILITIES WITH MY BANK ACCOUNT MANAGER. HOWEVER, HE KEEPS INSISTING IN REAL MONEY. MAYBE I SHOULD CHANGE BANKS. I’LL KEEP YOU UPDATED ON THIS.

“CAN I CONTACT YOU THROUGH CARRIER PIGEONS?”

YOU CAN SURELY TRY. I AM HOWEVER NOT EQUIPED FOR IT, NEITHER HAVE I EVER GONE THROUGH THE REQUIRED TRAINING TO PET PIGEONS. FOR THE TIME BEING, I’D SUGGEST TO TRY WITH MY EMAIL ADDRESS:
AGARCIAMILLAN@GMAIL.COM

“CAN I ENJOY YOUR WORK DESPITE BEING VEGAN?”

ABSOLUTELY. YOU MAY CHECK MY WORK WITHOUT HESSITATION. EVERYTHING HAS BEEN CURATED TO FIT ALL AUDIENCES, INCLUDING THOSE OF YOU WITH A LACTOSE INTOLERANCE.

“I LOVE YOUR WRITTING. IS IT OKAY IF I ASK YOU TO WRITE MY WEDDING VOWS?”

FOR SURE. I DO HOWEVER CHARGE MORE FOR IT. IN ADDITION TO THE USUAL FEE, YOU’LL HAVE TO INVITE ME TO YOUR WEEDING AS A SPECIAL GUEST. IT IS ALSO REQUIRED THAT I EAT AT THE MAIN TABLE.

“ARE YOU COMFORTABLE WORKING REMOTELY?”

INDEED, I AM. I HAVE MASTERED ASTRAL PROJECTION BY NOW WHICH ALLOWS ME TO PARTICIPATE IN REAL TIME OFFICE DISCUSSIONS AS IF I WERE RIGHT THERE. I’M ALSO COMFORTABLE USING MICROSOFT TEAMS, IF YOU PREFER.

“DO YOU REQUIRE ANY SPECIAL DESK FOR THE OFFICE?”

I DON’T. A REGULAR CHAIR WILL SURELY DO THE JOB. I DO HOWEVER REQUIRE COFFEE AS A MEANS TO KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING.

(IN)FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS